You had me at neurotic

on purpose

Posted by Dev | Filed under mindful, possibilities

Though I haven’t been posting as regularly as I usually do, I have been reading or trying to, anyway. I frequently read SoulPancake because it asks me to think about “the big questions,” which as an academic, I absolutely love. But the big questions lead me to reflect on smaller things, on my practices, on how I think. Recently, one of their columns explored the ways our obligations often take the fun out of things. Though the column focused on sports and how the pressures of coaches, families, and self expectations can make one forget why playing the game was fun in the first place, the columnist draws connections to other areas of life where this is true.

At the same time, I’ve been participating in the Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab, which reminds us to rest and play and forget all the excuses, all the ways we feel foolish or don’t allow ourselves the time and space we need for play; again, it’s those obligations tripping us up and taking the fun out of what we do.

Never have I needed to hear this message more.

I first signed up for Mondo Beyondo because I felt lost and unsure if I was doing what I’m meant to do. It’s no secret I’ve struggled to find my place since finishing my Ph.D. It’s been a bit of a blow to my self-esteem to struggle this way. School always came easily to me as a student and it hits me at a tender place that I can’t seem to figure out how to be successful on the other side of it, as a professor. Not that I think that teaching should be easy, but I also did not expect the depth of doubt surrounding the career I’ve chosen for myself and toward which I’ve worked so hard and so long. I began to wonder if I had it all wrong. I needed new perspectives, a new way to understand myself.

I continue to have doubts even as I begin to plan for next semester. I worry that I won’t find my way back to the passion I felt when I decided to pursue teaching as a career. I want to make a difference and I find myself overly ambitious in this regard. I am beginning to realize, however, that maybe all the obligations of the job (tenure track, evaluations, committee meetings, other duties) has simply taken the fun out of what I do. I have, as Alice once did, lost my muchness. Sadly, my job began to feel like one and though teaching doesn’t necessarily have the same connections to play that golf or tennis or other careers do, I think there’s something to be said for considering some new obligations that have some stronger ties to play and fun.There are goals the courses I teach have to meet, of course, but that’s in planning and assignments; these can be built in. But, what if my main obligation every day in class was to have fun ? What if I am doing the exact thing I’m meant to do? How does that change my approach to each day?

I love this post by Amy Oscar because she challenges us to think that way, to acknowledge that maybe we are doing the exact thing we’re meant to and there are ways we can do so more fully, more aware, more on purpose.

How would your life, your job, your relationships change if you believed and practiced the idea that you are exactly where you are for a purpose? Would you be preparing for success rather than failure? Would you get back your muchness?

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Tagged : muchness, reflections

Comments (1) | July 24th, 2010